The Nomination: Kylee is a type one diabetic, which is a life-threatening disease that can be very difficult to live with. Living with this disease can be a daily struggle, the responsibility, and the discipline that she must have for a "normal life" is great and can be hard to maintain at times.
In a recent session with Kylee, she proudly displayed her Dexcom CGM device, it really made an impact on some of my viewers and hopefully will give others her age the encouragement they needed to not be embarrassed of who they are. Over the years, I have watched Kylee grow into a very beautiful, strong, smart young woman! I look forward to seeing her grow as an adult and see how she touches others and helps them grow with type one diabetes.

Do you think growing up with type one diabetes has changed you in good ways or bad?
I think it has 100% changed me. Bad because sometimes, especially when I was first diagnosed, and I was sick, it would keep me from doing normal things that all my friends were doing. Even now that can happen occasionally. But also, good because it has made me more independent and responsible and stronger than some other kids my age.

For readers that might not be familiar with a Dexcom CGM device, can you explain what it is and what it does?
I wear a Dexcom CGM G6 to continuously monitor my blood sugar without having to prick my finger to draw blood and use a blood sugar meter. The Dexcom is amazing and has made managing my diabetes so much easier. You can see the trending blood sugar in real time right on your phone. I can catch it before it gets too high or too low. It has helped me a lot! Also, I can share my readings with my mom my doctor wirelessly!!!! It is really a great tool for diabetics and has made it easier to manage.

Tell me a little bit about how you have been able to maintain a mainly "normal life" Is there anyone that has really helped you along the way?
My mom has been the number one person that has always helped me through this. She’s been my guide along the journey with all the ups and downs, and when I wanted to give up, she was there to help me make it through and give me the encouraging words that I needed to hear to pick myself back up and push forward.

What are some of the activities or after school clubs you are involved in? Does your disease get in the way of them?
Cheerleading for two years. There were times that I would have to sit out until my sugar leveled back out. It is something that I always have to be aware of and be PREPARED for. I have to have things with me to eat or drink for emergencies if it went low during a game or even just at school, or driving, or anything really. I even have to carry an emergency shot called glucagon that is needed in an emergency situation.
There have been a couple times where I have had miss work because of my blood sugar. I have apart time job at our local hardware store. :)

Is there any advice you would like to give to other viewers of the magazine that might be struggling with the same or similar diseases?? 
It’s hard, living with a life-threatening disease and its especially hard during the teenage years. But it will get easier, and at the end of the storm there is a rainbow. I know it’s difficult when you feel so different from everyone else. You feel like you just need a break! Don’t give up. There is so much exciting technology that we have seen in just the past few years helping to make our lives more normal. Each time you have a rough day or week, just know you will come out stronger on the other end. And know you are not alone, and maybe by just showing your strength and your courage you could help someone else that’s feeling the same as you do. You could help them feel stronger and proud of themselves too!

I really admire your ability to keep true to yourself and not let diabetes take you down. Not only that, but from what I have heard, you seem like an amazing person with a strong ability to influence. Do you think you would ever want to speak publicly about the challenged and what you have done to help overcome them? 
Thank you, Zoey,! That’s sweet of you to say! And yes! I would love to help others overcome challenges they may be experiencing and talk to others about experiences I’ve had that may help them relate.

Kylee was featured in Issue 15 of Inspiring Teens Magazine. 

​Washington Hall, one of the University of Notre Dame’s greatest architectural treasures is built high and wide with breathtaking sculpture and design. Dedicated to the arts and the theatre, it is a home to many students. Suddenly, a dark cloud falls over the beautiful building, ripping away it’s once innocent cover.  Unexplained footsteps make their way onto the roof, doors unexplainably slam shut with no one on either side. This is the only the beginning, soon the whole world will know the story of “The Gipper” and most, will wish they hadn’t. 

The year was 1920 when George Gipp made his way into the university history books, being the first Irish football player to make an All-American football team. He was known as one of the country’s finest football talents at halfback, setting records from leading his team in rushing and passing that still stand today. He was an all-star rookie, who was rising fast in the football world. Until tragedy struck, and his football career ended just as fast as it had begun. 

It was late on the night of December 14, 1920, when Gipp found himself locked out of his building after missing curfew. Feeling the exhaustion from the day, he decided to take a nap on the steps leading up the hall, assuming someone would eventually open the doors. It was then that he had made the deadliest mistake of his life. Yet, there was no way he could have known he was going to catch pneumonia from that cold December night, no way to know that that one choice would end his life at the young age of 25. 

It was first around Christmas of 1920, shortly after his death, that people had started reporting sightings of a ghostly figure. Campus newspapers reported, “residents of Washington Hall began to be bothered by night-time visits from a ghost who… blew a French horn with much violence...When they went fearfully to investigate he would be gone.” These were not the only sightings. Throughout the next years, the theatre in the hall was known to have many ghostly occurrences. Props began jumping off the shelves, strange music would be playing with no one around, even phantom footsteps were heard on the stage of the vacant auditorium. The Gipper, however, did not stop there. Still seemingly lurking the halls in 1925-26, a student, Pio Montenegro, claimed to see a ghostly figure described as the ghost of George Gipp riding a white horse through the halls and out onto the steps. 

Some say George Gipp’s ghost is stuck in the building, not able to escape to the afterlife due to unfulfilled responsibility. Other say he chooses to stay, wreaking havoc on those who never unlocked the doors, leaving him out in the harsh cold. Few, choose to remember him as the amazing football player who ended his career with a record-breaking 2,341 rushing yards. Most, however, will remember George Gipp as ‘The Gipper’, the ghost who roams Washington Hall.

Sources: 
“Ghosts Lurk in Football Stadiums with Haunted Histories.” Sports Planning Guide, Publisher Name Sports Planning Guide, 26 Oct. 2016, sportsplanningguide.com/ghosts-lurk-in-football-stadiums-with-haunted-histories/.
“Gipp, Ghosts Haunt Campus Lore // The Observer.” The Observer, The Observer, 30 Nov. -1, ndsmcobserver.com/2006/10/gipp-ghosts-haunt-campus-lore/.
Woodyard, Eric. “Spirit of Flint Athlete, 'The Gipper,' Haunts Notre Dame Campus.” MLive.com, MLive.com, 30 Oct. 2014, www.mlive.com/sports/flint/index.ssf/2014/10/spirit_of_flint_athlete_haunts.html.
“The Ghost of Washington Hall.” University of Notre Dame, University of Notre Dame, 2018, www3.nd.edu/~washhall/ghost.html.

Zoey's article was published in Issue 15 of Inspiring Teens Magazine.

​What aged did you start playing football and has it always been a passion of yours?
I became interested in the game of football when I was eight years old and it always has been something I really enjoyed doing.

Do you have any family members or friends that has helped you become a better player?
My uncle Tyrone has been a big part of my career. He played also, but his career ended for him as a senior when he was in a car accident and was paralyzed. Even since the beginning he’s had a big impact on my career helping me push to my limits telling me to never give up. As long as I keep God first, I can do all things. I also have an older sister that passed away at a month old. Every day I push myself to put a smile on her face in the weight room, on the practice field, and on the game field because I know she’s watching from heaven above.
​
What makes your team work so well together and do you have more of a leading role within the team? 
My teammates and I work year-round together to better ourselves for the upcoming season. The pain we go through during those times brings us closer together because you know your brother is going through all this physical pain for you and that he will put it all out on the game field as well. That’s what brings us closer because we can trust that the person beside us will give their best.
I’m not a talkative person, so I try to help lead by example. I help the younger guys understand that if you work hard your time will come. The beginning of my freshman year I wasn’t a kid that would play varsity, but I busted my tail off and earned a starting spot and I try to let them know their time will come also. 

How do you keep a strong work ethic and a busy schedule of school and other social activities?
I let go and let God. He helps me to be able to stay on the honor roll and be a successful athlete as well.

How would you describe an average week on the team and how tough do you train on the daily?
If you had one day with my team you would understand the importance of being humble. We work not thinking of ourselves but of our brothers. The way we train is unreal; we work day in and out and never have a break. Yet we understand that’s what it takes to win. We have explosive workouts because you can’t be a football player if you aren’t explosive.

Would you consider playing football after high school?
I would like to play football after high school because it’s a big dream of mine and get a scholarship.

Tank was featured in issue 15.  

How would you describe yourself?
Kind hearted, overly caring, and loving. I want nothing but happiness and love for everyone. I never see the bad in people, even when it’s the most obvious characteristic. 

What would you say is the hardest thing you have been through? 
Coming to terms with and overcoming my many disorders, including Bipolar, anxiety, manic depression, and anorexia. I was in the hospital because I had attempted suicide. This was a hard time for me and my family. None of us were sure how to cope with these disorders. I was easily saddened and the simplest things would put me into a depression.  I had troubles eating whether it be because I was trying to “fix myself” for a date or because eating made me feel repulsive.  I also have horrible panic attacks. They’d become so bad that I’d black out due to hyperventilation.  

​How did you overcome all that, and has that changed you? 
After being diagnosed and figuring out my motivation, things started making sense.  I would never say it was easy or still is for that matter; I still struggle with my disorders, but they seem less severe now.  It is much easier to admire the beauty in life now, like the way the sun rises so beautifully in the morning, how great it smells after it has rained, or how wonderful it feels to make the people around me smile. 

Do you think you  would ever speak publicly about your experience? 
I would love to speak publicly about issues myself and others like me have experienced, like mental disorders and bullying. It would be an honor to be able to reach out to others and inspire them with my story.

Alexis is featured in issue 15.

How did you become interested in being a chairman of Drug Alcohol Safety and Health (DASH) and how did you start?
 
I became interested when I had read a statistic about car crashes being the number one killer of teens in America.
 
As a member of the board for the peer-to-peer driver safety program, what are some of the things you might advocate or do in order to make sure teens stay safe while driving?
Don’t text and drive. This is one of the worst things you can do since you’re completely looking away from the road!

What kind of community service projects have you done that you really feel have helped you make a difference?
One of the biggest ones was for National Honor Society when 3 friends and I redid a church nursery.

Tell me a little bit about the responsibilities of being Student Council Vice President.
Some of my responsibilities involve making sure that we are always busy doing a project for our school or community, and that we are on track for paperwork.


With all your amazing extracurriculars, how do you keep yourself organized and keep your grades up, while also managing to be a member of the National Honor Society?
Making sure that I am keeping all my grades up and staying organized is all about time management. I’m very involved with my school, and I just know when I need to focus on my school work and when I can have free time. National Honor Society mainly involves me keeping my grades up and doing community service, and I’m on top of my grades all the time. So, I just make sure I get all my hours done for the year. At times it gets a little stressful having to do so much, but it’s all about staying on track.

What do you plan on doing after high school? Do any of the activities you do now reflect what kind of job you wish to pursue later in life?
After high school I plan on majoring in mechanical engineering at the University of Texas. Currently I’m in my school’s engineering program, so a lot of the stuff we do in there is what I’ll be doing in college and for a job later in life.

Noah was published in issue 15.

You know when you meet that perfect person? The one part of your life that you didn’t know was missing until it was found? That’s what it was like meeting Julie.

My parents had taken me down to the beach for the summer. That meant seven whole weeks of mom drinking wine and complaining about how she wasn’t happy. Seven whole weeks of dad eating his feelings and secretly lowering my moms wine supply. Seven weeks of just me. Don’t get me wrong, I love being an only child. I have everything to myself: time, attention, quiet. Sometimes though, at times like these, I could really use a brother or sister to hang out with. Someone to walk with me along the boardwalk, sharing fried Oreos and ice cream. Someone to have a catch with. At least I get to surf down here; it’s the one thing I love more than soccer. But that was all before I met Julie. Before everything changed.

I saw the wave over the horizon before it even lifted off the surface, and I was under the water before God himself had a chance to form it. I broke the surface and inhaled the salty air, the warm atmosphere welcoming me back to the Earth I was born into. I gripped the sides of my board, steadying myself, timing the ripples coming towards me. I closed my eyes and tried to focus, something I’m not always good at. My mind has a tendency to wander, except for when I’m in the ocean. It was one of the only things I was able to connect with. I always found it interesting, how unpredictable it was. Its beauty was blinding to most people, leading them away from depths of the dangers that lie under the surface, waiting to suck you in.

I was in my own world, just me and the waves. With the rushing of the water in my ears, I looked up to find Mother Nature standing over me, casting me in a world of darkness. I turned my back to the monstrous wave, hoping, praying it would cradle me instead of sucking me into its deadly mouth. I got lucky, like most times, although it was all a matter of science and timing. The wave crashed over me and I was enveloped in a tunnel. Everything seemed to be moving in slow motion. I watched as day turned to night, the deep abyss of the ocean cascading over me. Then the sun came back and I welcomed it, watching as the water thinned, matching the sky and melting into a warm blue. I smiled, closing my eyes once again, feeling the light spray of the ocean cleanse me. This was my favorite part: becoming clean by the water as it faded into a dull, foamy white.

I could see the opening of the tunnel, and was blinded by the light on the other side. I strained to see the world outside of this one. I was close. So close. I reached out, desperate to feel the warmth of the sun again. The ocean, however, had other ideas. I had leaned too far out and was pulled back onto my board. I felt a bump and was sucked into an airless sea of salt. When I had finally resurfaced I was on the beach, face down, coughing up what the sea had shoved down my throat. As I gasped for air, I felt the sun go away again. I looked around, the tips of my fingers still yellow from the sunlight but the rest of my body covered in a shadow. When I looked up, I saw her. Julie.

“Um, are you ok?” she asked, half giggling. I was so dumbfounded by her beauty that all I could do was stare. The breeze was blowing around us, moving her blonde waves into thousands of tiny cascading mountains. When she smiled, it filled me with this warm feeling I couldn’t even begin to describe; a feeling I had never felt before. She reached out her hand toward me and smiled. Oh god, that smile. I pushed myself up and took her hand. As soon as the sand traveled from my fingers to hers, I felt a shock. Not an electrical one—a real one. Like some of my actual energy had just gone to her. She must have felt it too because she jumped and looked from me to her hand, which was still holding mine.

“So, you are ok, right?” she asked again, with a smaller smile this time. She raised a perfect eyebrow, revealing an almost challenging gleam in her eye. I realized that I still hadn’t answered and stood there trying to focus on anything but her lips.

“Uh yeah I’m...I’m fine. Sorry. I just…I got caught off guard by the, uh, wave, and the crash, and the woosh…and the pow and the…” I trailed off, and noticed I was making hand gestures to go along with the noises coming out of my mouth, which I’m sure made them sound even more stupid.

Did you really just say woosh and pow? a voice in my head asked. Choosing to ignore it, I stood there, my hand still holding hers, waiting for her to walk away, or to call me a freak or something. But she didn’t. She just laughed. Cocking her head slightly to the right and looking me up and down—studying me—like a confused puppy. She took her other hand and held it out for me to shake.

“Ok then. Well, my name is Julie. Julie Bartlett,” she said. “And you are?” She stood there waiting. I almost expected her to try and guess it right then and there, but it seemed like she was going to turn away so I quickly answered.

“Scott. I’m Scott Hutson. It’s nice to meet you, Julie Bartlett.” I smiled, hoping I didn’t look stupid all covered in sand and probably peachy-red from blushing and the sun. After a moment, we realized that we were still holding both of each other's hands. We let go, laughing nervously. I looked down at the ground not sure what to say next. As I was working on digging little holes in the sand with my big toe, I heard someone call out her name. I looked up and saw Julie facing the other direction, waving at someone in the distance.

“Well, that’s my mom. I…I have to go, but maybe I’ll see you around? Ok?” She said it like a question, but I hoped I would. She didn’t give me a chance to answer as I was once again speechless, only able to watch her turn and run away, disappearing into the jungle of umbrellas that were laid across the beach.

I headed back to the house after the water became too cold. The one good thing about the house was that it was right along the beach. I stepped inside and got into the shower, rinsing off the sand that had covered me during my wipeout. I scrubbed until my skin became raw, hoping my awkwardness would wear off with the ocean smell. When I got out of the shower, I went onto the balcony for some air. The sun was just setting, casting an array of sun-kissed oranges and pinks across the sky.

I decided to go for a walk on the beach before dinner. I skipped every other step, almost falling into the kitchen. I stopped myself at the railing when I heard the faint yet familiar voices of the one and only Mr. and Mrs. Hutson, at it again.

“I don't care if we are ‘on vacation,’ that’s enough wine Abigail!” I peaked around the corner to see my father swiping at a wine bottle my mother was holding to her chest for dear life.

“Oh, like you know about ‘enough.’ Look at you! You’re a thousand pounds.” I watched him, expecting his face to fall, but it seems as though it doesn't affect him anymore. I guess she has used that insult one too many times. He makes one final attempt to swipe the wine from her grasp, which results in the bottle crashing to the floor.

I stepped around the kitchen, going out the back way, hoping they wouldn't hear me. I had been in such a rush to get out of the house that I had forgotten shoes, but I didn’t really mind. The sand was cold against my feet and it was almost soothing. I shoved my hands in my pockets, deep in thought when I tripped over someone's legs. I was again, for the second time today, lying face down in the sand when I heard a girl speak.

“Hey! Watch where you're go…oh my gosh! We have to stop meeting like this!” The girl giggled again and I immediately recognized the voice. It was Julie. Why must I fall every time we meet? I groaned and pushed myself up, laughing a little. She moved over on the towel she was sitting on and looked at me. She slowly moved her hand to pat down on the spot next to her and I crawled over to sit down. I saw her hug her knees to her chest and shiver. I took the light sweatshirt I had on and put it around her. She blushed and said thank you. We sat there in silence, watching the waves crash over the sunset. It was now a dull yellow with orange glowing at the edges. We must have sat there for at least an hour or two, watching it disappear over the horizon and melt off of the edge of the world.

Suddenly she turned to me. She didn’t say anything. She just stared. I wasn’t sure what to do so I stared back. I stared deep into her bright green eyes, which mimicked that churning, passionate green that the ocean turns during a storm. I watched them dart back and forth, searching for something. Somehow, suddenly, I felt like she could see into my mind, and I knew she was looking for something. I didn’t know what, but I didn’t want her to find it. She sighed, obviously not satisfied with her soul search, and laid back, putting her hands behind her head.

“Do you believe that everything happens for a reason?” she questioned, looking up at the sky. I wasn’t sure what to say or how to answer, worried she wouldn't like it, so I decided to go with the truth.

“Sometimes,” I stated blatantly, sounding more disinterested that I meant to.

“Well I do.” She paused, thinking for a moment. “Do you believe in miracles or perfect things at least?” This time I knew the answer she was looking for just by the sound of her voice. But still, I decided to go with the truth.

“To be honest, no. I think that most things that seem perfect are too good to be true. That they aren’t real; they are just an illusion. Something we want them to be so badly, that in our heads we make it exactly that.”

The funny thing was, I had never said that out loud before. Mostly because no one had ever asked, but also because I thought it was crazy. Saying it out loud though, in the open, the breeze taking it and accepting it, made it hard to see any other outlook on the subject. Julie, however, didn’t feel the same way. She shifted awkwardly on the towel, facing me, propping her head up on her bent arm.

“How could you say that? There are plenty of perfect things in this world! If you can’t see that then your life will be so unfulfilling, it won’t even be worth living!” she yelled, out of breath. She seemed excited and surprised at her herself. Realizing what she had just said, her face reddened as she looked to the ground. “Oh. I’m, I’m sorry. I didn't mean that. I meant…it’s just that…” She looked up, her eyes looking into mine once again, hoping I would forgive what she had just said. What she didn’t know was that it didn’t phase me. Staring into her eyes didn’t make any of the words matter.

When she said there are perfect things in life, I smiled, thinking of her. She was the perfect thing in my life. The girl I met on the beach. Suddenly, before I knew what I was doing, I leaned in and kissed her. She kissed me back, surprising me a little. We laid there under the sky, the waves around us. It was perfect.

As human beings, we need necessities to survive. Those necessities—in the scientific sense—are food, water, shelter, air, and warmth, among other things that keep us alive. Alive, a word used so often that no one really knows what it means anymore. Or, if they do, then they are probably using it wrong. What is being alive without living? We need the scientific necessities to survive—but not to thrive. What scientists miss, or choose to ignore, is that we also need comfort, compassion, and most important, love. Although we don’t need it to keep our hearts beating and our blood flowing, we crave the very taste of it. It acts as a savior to all mankind. One breath and we’re hooked. We find ourselves depending on it, needing it, wanting it more and more. No matter how much we have, we just can’t seem to get enough. It is our air, and we trick ourselves into thinking we need it because something that good must be a necessity. At least that’s what the fools think.

When I got back to the house, it was around 1 a.m. I snuck into the shower once again and when I got out, I laid in bed for a while thinking about her. I couldn’t stop picturing her laying on the beach, her hair waving back and forth, mimicking the waves. Her lips on mine, tasting the salt from the ocean. I so badly wanted to see her again, but I didn’t know how to find her. I cursed myself for not asking for her number.

I grabbed the sweatshirt she had used and went to hang it up when something fell out of the pocket. It was a crinkled little piece of paper that read, “Julie—215-620-0459.” Her phone number! She actually gave it to me! I immediately put it in my phone but didn't text her yet. She was probably sleeping. I wanted to wait until after breakfast.

When my parents finally woke up the next morning, they were too hungover to notice how fast I was scarfing down breakfast. I was out the door before they could sober up from the coffee. I took out my phone and texted her.

Me: “Hey! Whats up?”

Julie: “Hi! Nothing much right now.”

Me: “You wanna hang out?”

Julie: “Yea! I’d love to, when?”

Me: “How about tonight? I’ll meet you at the rides.”

Julie: “Great! See you around 7!”

Me: “See you then.”

I spent the rest of the day surfing and thinking about tonight. At around 5pm, I went home to take a shower and get ready. I spent more time on my hair than on my clothes and shower combined. I stared in the mirror until my eyes started to glaze over and everything but my pupils started to blur. I had to look, well, amazing. At 6:30 p.m. I headed over to the rides. I stood at the ticket shop, waiting for her. I constantly caught my feet mimicking the tune of the overly-played boardwalk music as I tried to breathe. I caught at least four other couples staring, probably thinking I got stood up. Eventually, I started to believe the thoughts surrounding me—until I heard my name ring out over the rides.

There she was, standing in the middle of the park. The red and blue lights bounced off her, making her look animated, like a hallucination, an illusion. She ran over to me with that gorgeous smile I craved so much. I smiled back before asking her what she wanted to do first. We must have ridden all the rides there for what felt like a thousand times each. We didn’t stop until we felt the cotton candy and corn dogs bubbling in our stomachs.

The whole night was a blur. I mostly remember the lights, the music—and her. How she danced in the middle of the park like nobody was watching. How her laugh made everything so much funnier, even when it wasn’t. How beautiful she looked, even when we were being whipped back and forth on some stupid ride she loved. And especially how she grabbed my arm and held me close every time she got scared.

The next few weeks of the summer went the same way. I was in a daze 24/7. Always with Julie, on the beach, at the boardwalk, at my house. I was in a world of my own. Just the two of us. I had become obsessed with her ideas and positive outlook on everything. How she saw the good in everyone, no matter their actions. I was amazed at how easily she gave people second chances and how trusting she was. No matter how ugly a person's intentions were, she just couldn't see passed the mask that hid their true colors. She wanted everyone to be good and pure. She wanted everyone to be equal and happy. She was so innocent, almost naive.

Most nights, I would lay awake thinking of her. Replaying every date and encounter we ever had, and thinking about how differently things would have turned out if she hadn’t seen me fall that day on the beach. My life without her seemed different, plain, dull. She had come into it and in just five weeks had painted it with new colors; bright ones that blind you no matter where you look or what you do.

As I lay alone in the house, the only sounds were my breath and the subtle creaks of the floorboards. Again, it was at a time like this that I wish I had siblings. It was just too quiet. It was just me and my thoughts—and I never liked to be alone with them. I would become obsessed with certain things, ideas, and words. I would rethink conversations over and over again, trying to imagine different meanings hidden behind what people said and what they actually meant, and usually, I could. But there is one that I’ve never been able to crack: that conversation I had with Julie that first day on the beach. She asked me if I believed in miracles, in perfect things. How could she? I didn’t, and I told her that. Then again, she is living proof to me that perfect things exist. That’s what I don't understand.

I had always believed so strongly in my philosophy, and all it took was one girl coming into my life for a few week to completely turn that upside down. How was that even possible? It wasn’t. It couldn't be. It was too good to be true. She was too good to be true. I couldn’t be as naive as her; I couldn’t let myself fall into the hole that every other person was trapped in. I had to stay smart, stay in my world. The right world. The real one. My world.

The morning I found out was like any other. I came downstairs; my parents were not awake yet. I scanned the kitchen, looking for broken glass or plates, which is usually what I find when I wake up. Today, however, I didn't have to step carefully. It seemed as though things were finally turning around for my parents. I made myself a quick breakfast and went for a run.

One mile down and I already felt my low endurance catching up with me. I tried to focus. Focus on anything but my lungs, which were burning with each step. I looked down, concentrating on the boardwalk and how the different shades of brown melted into each other, becoming one smooth surface. I focused on each nail, uneven and digging into my worn out sneakers. I focused until I got dizzy. Then I heard the sirens.

I was able to hear them before I even got close to the beach. It was covered by hundreds of people and police surrounding something. I decided to go see what all the commotion was about hoping to see a whale or some animal. As I pushed my way through the crowd I was blocked by yellow tape and flashing red and blue lights. I flashed back to mine and Julie’s first date at the rides, knowing we would never be able to do that again.

What happened next was something of a blur. I was pushed back by a cop, his hands gripping my shoulders. Even now, as I think back, I can still feel the pressure of his hands forcing me away. His lips were moving but I couldn’t hear what he was saying. All I saw was the girl behind him, over his shoulder. I immediately saw the blond waves on the ground that belonged to Julie. My Julie. The person that lay lifeless on the ground, however, was nothing like the Julie I knew. She was pale. There was no life in her, no color, except for the faded blue that had taken over her lips. How was this possible? How could this have happened?

They said they found her in the middle of the ocean but that didn’t seem right. She should have sunken to the bottom or been taken away by the current. She shouldn’t have been found, not like that. They lifted her lifeless soul and began to zip up the body bag. That was the last glimpse I ever had of her. And as quickly as it had come, the color that she had created started to drip away from my life. Everything was dull again, it was so familiar—and almost nice.

I hope she understood why this happened. Nothing in life can be perfect. There are no miracles, just coincidences. Nothing perfect, only illusions. As soon as you start to believe in miracles and perfect things, you start to melt into that plastic reality. The reality most people already live in, too afraid to see the world for what it really is. Not me. I wasn’t going to be blinded. Never again would I let this happen.

I have to admit, though, she was gone too soon. I wanted more time with her, but I was leaving in three days. I would never see her again. So I texted her and told her to meet me at the beach at 1 a.m. She didn’t even question the time. She came, smiling and giggling. I told her to come surfing with me, I wanted to show her something. Something magical, something I knew she would want to see. I told her to sit on my board behind me. We started paddling into the middle of the ocean and waited.

I was one with the waves and I could feel one coming. The water pulled us towards it, and I got ready. I told her to hold on and we stood up. We road it at the last second. We were under it and in a tunnel again. Everything seemed to be moving in slow motion; the deep abyss of the ocean, melting into a warm blue and then fading into a dull foamy white. I could see the opening, the light on the other side. I was so close. I reached out, desperate to feel the warmth of the sun again, hoping it would drive away the cold that was eating away at my insides. This time though, I turned around and grabbed her, pulling her in with me. When I resurfaced, it was dark. Darker than I remembered. I looked around and couldn't find her. I screamed out her name once, twice. Then, there she was, right in front of me. She came up gasping for air. Seeing my face, she smiled and started to laugh.

Before she could take another breath, I grabbed her shoulders and pushed her down again. I saw blood surface from her panicked hands. She scratched every part of my body, desperate for air, but I couldn’t feel anything. The water had turned cold and I was numb from head to toe. She resurfaced again after successfully moving away from my arms. For a split second, I stopped. I waited to push her down again, knowing this was the last time I would see her—alive at least.

I stared into those green eyes, the ones that made you hope and made you believe in things you shouldn't. I used to love staring at them. Except for right now, when they were wide and frightened with mascara dripping underneath them, reminding me of everything I was against. She uttered a cry, reaching for my face, but I was too quick. I pushed her under for a final time, gripping her shoulders hard. I could feel my nails digging into her shirt. I squeezed harder, pushing her further down. The water muffled most of her cries, but I could softly hear the distorted screams. I waited until all the bubbles disappeared and let go of her now lifeless neck.

She floated up to the surface, face down and still. I went under the water myself and just stayed there. I let myself sink down as far as I could go before my own lungs burned. When I had finally resurfaced I was on the beach, face down, coughing up what the sea had pushed down my throat. As I gasped for air, I felt the sun go away again. I looked up and saw nothing. Only gray. I crawled onto the sand and breathed in. The air burned as it went down. I thought about Julie.

Everyone is filled with darkness. It consumes the human race. It consumes all of us. For some people, it hides in the shadows, waiting for their host to hit rock bottom before taking over. For others, it’s already inside us. The young ones forget it’s even there until it’s too late. No matter when it comes, and what it does, it’s always there. Waiting, watching, consuming. Some choose to ignore it, get rid of it, destroy it.

But darkness cannot be destroyed, only used. I used mine for good. I destroyed the mask of hope and perfection. Most people, the ones living a lie, fear the darkness. They fear what lurks under the bed and in the shadows. They fear the unknown. They don’t know that the real danger is the world they choose to live in. They walk blindly into what they think is safe, what they think is happy. Idiots. They’re all idiots thinking they can escape the darkness. You can’t. After all, it’s already inside you, and you can’t run away from your own shadow.

You know when you meet that perfect person? The one part of your life you didn’t know was missing until they filled it? That’s what it was like meeting Julie. My folks had taken me down to the shore for the summer. Seven whole weeks of mom drinking wine, and dad making jokes about it. Seven weeks of just me. This was all before I met Julie, before everything changed.

I forgot to mention that I never liked change very much. I liked things the way they were. No color, no hope, no miracles. If you don’t expect anything, you will never be disappointed. It’s as simple as that. Everything in my world makes sense because it’s sensible, it's real, and it’s tangible. Why believe in something you can’t see, something you can’t prove? It’s my own little world, the real one that I’m all alone in because I’m the only person willing to live in it. I don’t mind, because even though it’s not perfect, it’s mine. There are no distractions, no one to question my thoughts. Julie almost took that from me. She wouldn't understand my world. No one would. She almost ruined it, but I knew the truth. She was my illusion, the one thing I had almost dared to believe was perfect. No. Nothing is perfect. It’s impossible.

That’s why I had to do it.

I lay alone on the sand, watching the sun grow and seep into the sky. As the world got brighter, mine got darker. But no one knew the truth. That little world of mine, the gray one with no color, is the real one. It’s the one I prefer to live in. The other, perfect world? It isn’t real. It’s all a lie because nothing—nothing—can be perfect.




​